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Lion King 5 Ate My Ass in Minecraft

There are so many unofficial continuations and successors to already existing properties. Mostly, they spew inconsistent bullshit and don't have the heart and soul of the original work. When their validity is put into question, I always reply with 3 simple words.
"Fabricated and Homosexual".
However, I found a game that can be considered both canon and non-canon at the same time. That game is Lion King 5: The Journey Of Over Time and Space. I ordered it for my Game Boy Color Blue Edition, because it was my brother's turn on the Xbox. After 2 months, 3 weeks, 6 days, 7 hours, and 41.0005 seconds, the game arrived at my household. I was excited to finally play this unlicensed, unprofessional bootleg I got off of the internet.
Now, there was no opening with any bitcrunched Hans Zimmer orchestra or choir, but instead a butchered MIDI version of All Star by Smash Mouth. "What the hell?" I screeched, "That's not even in the fucking Lion Guard TV Show! Disney would never use established songs in their works!" Then I remembered Chicken Little, and I felt like even more of a dumbass than before. Instead of Timon saying, "It Starts," he said, "I'll eat Simba's ass in Minecraft." Since Minecraft was the first video game ever created back in 1897, I didn't find it unusual. Nor was I shocked that Timon said "Ass", as Disney movies under Walt's supervision had a bit more swear words.
One thing that was really clever was that in the original Lion King game, Simba could reach a maximum of 8 lives, and when the counter was below 0, he would get a Game Over. Get it? Because cats have nine lives? I can't believe a licensed game like this could carefully weave in a cat joke while Bubsy was fucking obnoxious.
The first level was just World 1-1 of Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels. Except there was a hyena miniboss at the end instead of a flagpole. The second level was called "Wanna Be A Man". First of all, that's a different Disney musical number, second, you fucking spelled it wrong. Now every monkey had to be roared at and it was a monotonous trek back to the treetops. Eventually I came to the second hardest part of the level, the ostrich ride. However, instead of dodging baby rhinos and trees, the ostrich jumped over tanks and ducked near low-flying Tie Fighters.
The Elephant Graveyard did not fare better. It wasn't even called the Elephant Graveyard, it was now called "Orange Man Bad Pls Upvote". Orange Man? Elephants? Shit, this is the bootlegger's attempt at "political humor", is it? FUCK! I said. The whole level was filled with Republican Signs and poorly compressed images from Trump's campaign. The boss at the level's end was called Blonald Blumpf, and he took 5 jumps to defeat. Once he was defeated, his hair flew off, and a bit crunched version of this video played as a cutscene.
The next level was simply called, "Deported". It was Simba stumbling across a desert wasteland, which turned into an autoscroll chase scene with Rattlesnake Jake as the advancing boss of doom. Unlike most sprites, which were drawings that were given sprite form, Jake was a pre-rendered 3D asset that looked uncannily like one of those creatures from those old Sinbad movies, imagine if Kerosene from DKC 2 GBA was a snake, and you'll see what I mean. The level ended with Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed threatening Simba, saying "If you ever come back we'll eat your ass in Minecraft!"
Timon and Pumbaa were playable in the next level. It worked like Donkey Kong Country, with Pumbaa being Donkey Kong and Timon acting as Diddy. It featured some functionability (for a GBC game at least) and it had some precise platforming. However, the gorilla "boss" in the 16 bit licensed game was there, but he wore a hat with an H on it. I had to leap onto fragile platforms so he could break through and fall down, just like the Bowser fight from SMB3. Once he fell, he shouted, "DICKS OUT 4 HARAMBE!" in a hyper-realistic voice. "Ew, dead memes," I hissed to myself.
A new cutscene appeared. It showed Simba desperately calling for his dad to come back home so they could watch all 3 Despicable Me films. Suddenly, Cloud Mufasa appeared the fuck out of nowhere and said, "I am your father." "Ew, obvious joke", I muttered to myself.
The last level was 8-4 from SMB Lost Levels. A fitting book-end to this shitfest of a game. The level was extremely cheap, and I resorted to save states. Scar took the place of Bowser, who jumped higher so that I could easily trigger the axe that cut the bridge and sent Scar falling into the fire below, just like in the movie! "The darkest pits of hell have come to fuck you over," growled Simba. "So don't keep the Devil waiting for his new husband." "Ew, FNAF reference," I cringed to myself.
I turned the game off, because Mommy said it was my turn to play on the Xbox. So I started a new server in Minecraft. I didn't even notice that I was in a savanna biome, as I was busy domesticating a donkey to be my steed. All of a sudden, a trio of hyenas jumped out of the acacia trees and attacked the stallion in front of me. "See?" Shenzi taunted, "We told you we'd eat your ass in Minecraft." Get it? Because "ass" is another term fo- Y'know what? Fuck this story, I'm gonna get myself a cold one.
submitted by JustSomeWeirdBloke to shittynosleep

iPadPro - Buying for a first timer

Hi there, I'm a guy that used an Android System, and right now I'm weighing the possibility to acquire an iPadPro + Pen, for work, light tasks and may be some internet surfing, and yes, I'm aware of the new iPad OS.
I need professional in these areas that are using the iPadPro as another tool of their trade on daily basis (by the way I'm an architect).
What I need is feedback on: 1. How can I connect the iPadPro to a laptop PC for: 1a.data/file transition. 1b. Using the iPad as another monitor. 1c. Using it as a drawing tablet, were only the drawing area is reflected on the iPad Screen.
  1. Tethering with my android mobile using WiFi or Bluetooth (indifferent by the method, I just need it to connect).
  2. Professional apps for construction site: 3a. Measuring construction elements (accuracy is a must) 3b. Other suggestions.
  3. Your feedback using office suite, especially that of MS Project, Visio & Excel.
  4. Apps for drawing that play nice (and problem free) with Adobe Suite.
  5. 3d modeling (something that plays nice with Rhino).
PS: I'm aware of Bimx app.
Then I need your feedback about: 1. Using the iPadPro + Pen in previously mentioned work field. 2. What is the minimum storage you advise me should I get? 3. Battery life. 4. Should I get the keyboard or should I pass? 5. What are the cases/problems you have faced that you should have known but nobody told you? 6. Will the iPadPro play nice with my WD myCloud Home? 7. Other issues or suggestions.
PS 2: The iPadPro will be another tool, not a leisure toy.
Thank you
submitted by NBelal to iPadPro

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